Anarchy

Motherhood is so exquisite. It’s not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure. No one can test you and pin you to the wall emotionally like a child can. You must be able to take a beating if you know what I mean, and still stand unaffected. Strong. Convicted of your position. I thought I was a strong person before I had children, but man, I didn’t realize how weak I could be in my position of certain things. You have to stand for something or you fall for everything, in the famous words of Katy Perry. And when it comes to parenting, turns out this is truth. If you’re wishy -washy, they know it and they will use it as leverage to get what they want and run the show indirectly.

This morning my son couldn’t find his computer for school, it was “lost”. He turned in the towel looking for it, “I just need a new one” he concluded. Anarchy. As I was looking for his computer, I found several old food items and wrappers under the couch. Including an old canes box and sauce, remnants from my daughter’s recent sleep- over. People just eat and then throw that shit on the floor. Why wouldn’t they? Anarchy.

I spend a lot of time and put a lot of effort into making healthy meals for my family in the evening. They are all athletes and I am constantly teaching them about how to properly hydrate and fuel their bodies for optimization. Many times, I make dinner and they say “I’m not hungry” and then, after I am in bed, they take their allowance or their birthday or Christmas inheritance and they Door- dash fast food to eat. Anarchy. Then I catch on and I stop making dinner, because I am good with a can of tuna, like I don’t cook for me, I cook for them. And then do you know what they have the audacity to say? “You never make dinner anymore”. Total Anarchy.

My oldest is a senior in high school and has declared that she doesn’t need to go to school the rest of the year. Why? You ask. Well because, she has good grades, can do the work from home, and has already gotten into her dream college. Why bother? Total Anarchy.

The thing about anarchy is this: the definition varies, did you know? Anarchy, the word, comes from the Greek “anarchia” meaning “without a ruler” or “without authority”. It commonly means chaos, because it appears there isn’t one ruler. Within the philosophical or political meaning, it means that social order is organized without coercive authority. It equates voluntary cooperation and mutual aid.

This is quite the contrary to how I was parented as a child. I got a lot of “because I said so” and “children are better seen than heard”. To no fault of my parents. It was the common way of the times and they often replicated the way they were modeled to parent by their parents. And I may add that I did turn out alright, with the exception of how deeply I crave to be heard and not just seen.

They were modeling the one ruler version. The traditional sense of anarchy is without a ruler or without authority and this applies here. They were the rulers. I snuck around and did all kinds of things, trying not to get caught. If I did lose my computer, I would hide it. If I did get fast food without eating dinner, I would ensure there was no evidence to be found. If I didn’t feel I needed to go to school, I would sneak it and write my own note to excuse to myself. Anarchy.

 Within the philosophical or political meaning, Anarchy means that social order is organized without coercive authority. It equates voluntary cooperation and mutual aid. How do I get my children to not be children? I mean honestly, that would be the easiest thing for everyone. If they could just come into the world as mature, knowing adults then life would be a walk in the park, and I could feel like a successful, amazing parent all the time. Win – win.

But since that isn’t the case, I guess I have no choice but to allow them to be children. I must allow them to learn as they go, make mistakes, and feed their bodies as they choose to, since I really don’t have much control over that anymore anyway. I must allow them to lose things so that they can learn the importance of using a system to keep things organized. I must allow them to put their own value on their education and their work in life and to make their own choices. Knowing that if you don’t show up, you don’t receive the benefits that come with showing up (no school? No allowance. No car. No friends). All I can do is guide them and encourage voluntary cooperation through our relationship that we have developed based on MUTUAL respect and love. Not fear. And natural, logical consequences that mimic real life. If I make mistakes, which I do all the time, then I also have to learn from them and deal with the natural consequences. There’s no hierarchy when it comes to that. No one gets out of here scot- free. So yes, my house is Anarchy. Intentional, exhausting, beautiful anarchy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.